Hermione Granger's Diary, 7th year
by aoife91
Summary: This is Hermione Grangers diary from 7th year. Contains HBP spoilers. Many pairings HGRW, followed by HGDM, but eventually HGSS.
1. Chapter 1

January 1st:

_Alcohol Units: One glass of champagne under supervision of professors (v.g., yet bad for girl of 17)_

_No. of Parties Attended: One, under supervision of Professors in the Great Hall _

_Points for Teenageness: -45 (Should be about -1,037, however points for effort)_

Hurrah. It is the New Year. Fan-bloody-tastic. Forgive me if I seem a tad bitter, but it is now 12.22am and I, Hermione Granger was unfortunately the only person unkissed when the clock struck 12. Great. The anti-teen strikes again. Of course there was the indecent offer I received from none other than super-twat Draco Malfoy. Honestly ever since he came back from being on the run with Snape, he has been strangely normal. I haven't heard one utteration of the word mudblood in a very long time. I still don't understand why he was forgiven. Sure, Snape had been under the influence of the unbreakable vow, and also, had been imperiused by Narcissa Malfoy. She was currently doing time in Azkaban. Good that she was reunited with her husband, eh? However Malfoy, I suspect, was forgiven and positively welcomed back with oopen arms, purely becaus of his age.

Ugh, anyway, about half eleven, I made my way over to the punch bowl. Next thing I know Malfoy is standing in front of me smiling, eyes glinting.

"Hey, Granger," he smirked.

"Malfoy," I muttered and tried to get past. He, however, had other ideas.

"How about a quick snog in the broom closet?" he asked playfully, stepping a little closer. Good God. I was not expecting this. I was gripped with the urge to vomit on his black, shining shoes.

"Um..." My mind was filled with the most disturbing images. Quick, quick, make him go away. "Meet me in the 5th floor broom closet in 15, yeah?" I said. He grinned then turned and ran.

Blimey. Am now attracting Death Eater scum. Must try harder with appearance and general mystique in hope of attracting anybody other than Malfoy. Oh, in fact no Slytherins. And only 7th years or up, like myself. Although that's really just 7th years, unless I want to date a teacher, ha ha ha. Ha... I think. Although I do find myself growing more and more attracted to - No. Stop it Hermione.

12.36

Also should stick to Gryffindors only.

12.38

And not Neville, Seamus, Dean or Harry since they are all taken Seamus and Lavender, Dean and Parvati, Harry and Ginny and Neville and, surprisingly, Luna!

12.40

So that leaves...

12.41

Bloody hell.

12.44

I must admit I do harbour a secret attraction for Ron. But he would never return any feelings for me, other than friendly. I am the bookworm, the reliable one, the smart one. Besides, my feelings for him are no where near as strong as mine for - Argh. Stop it Hermione, that is very bad thinking.

12.50

Oh, bloody hell, I have feelings for Snape, alright?

12.53

Whimper

2.00am

Dear God, what does this mean? I was just finished writing earlier and had started to search for Harry, Ron, Ginny, Neville and Luna, who I had been at a table with, when, out of no where, Snape came up to me. I had, unlike the others, forgiven him for Dumbledore's murder. It was unfair to blame him for what Narcissa made him do. Also, after he had locked himself away for three months and even requested he be sent to Azkaban, I found myself pitying him. Especially after the 2nd suicide attempt.

However he had been doing well lately, resuming his teaching, though losing some of his malice. He had actually become quite pleasant.

Dear God, did I just refer to Snape as pleasant?

Anyway, I looked over at the staff table and caught his eye. He didn't look away, so neither did I. I felt a shiver go through my body and all the hairs on my back and arms stand up on end. It was very very nice. He smirked slightly, still staring right at me. I blushed, feeling as though he could read my thoughts, as though i was completely naked. It was strange and exciting, though a little disconcerting too. Then he winked at me! I swear, he actually winked. Then he turned back to McGonnigal and continued his conversation, a hint of a smile still tugging on the corners of his mouth. I sat down, surprised and intrigued, yet ready to pretend as though nothing had happemned at all. Then it happened again. I could sense his eyes on me, and I got into another staring match with him. We've had at least five now, each time longer and more exciting then the last. The last time, he actually let his eyes travel up and down my body (I was standing by the punch bowl) and then raised an eyebrow suggestively. This is all very unlike him, and yet he still maintains his cold demeanor and his harsh manor through all this by never once bothering to come over and offer some sort of explanation. I'd say he needed therapy, or perhaps some glasses, but he's already done six solid weeks of therapy, which has made him much more bearable.

It seems to have made him more daring and open, for he used to wuite literally hate me. Now he is being suggestive and winking? What could that possibly mean? Could it perhaps say he could return my feelings? No, that's ridiculous.

2.07

Preposterous.

2.11

Ever so slightly possible?

**January 12th**

_Number of thoughts about a certain Potions Master: 4,337 (v. bad) _

_Number of times caught looking at certain Potions Master: 56 (By Ron and Harry 14, by Potions Master himself, 42)_

_Number of times caught certain Potions Master looking at me: 48 (v.v.g... I mean bad)_

Argh. Ok, must have some new years resolutions, if a little late.

1. Must not spend "alone time" thinking about a certain potions master.

2. Must not fool myself into thinking that perhaps a certain potions master returns my feelings.

3. Must wash hair at least every two days with straightening solution, in hope of making self presentable.

4. Must work hard in school.

5. Must not spend every waking moment thinking about school.

6. Ditto certain potions master.

7. Ditto appearance.

8. Ditto N.E.W.Ts

9. Ditto Evil Dark Lord.

10. Must stop using the word ditto.

11. Must get a boyfriend.

12. Boyfriend must be Severus Snape, yet have to get him without daydreaming about him, or thinking about him.

If I manage to keep all my New Years resolutions I will in fact be some kind of miraculously amazing wonder-woman.

14.27

Hurrah.

14.30

Instead of the anti-teen will become wonder woman.

14.32

Perhaps should consider lesbianism

19.00

Can not be lesbian, the thought of snogging Lavender or Parvati or, God forbid, Ginny has made me, quite literally, ill. Have vomited twice since first thought of the suggestion.

**January 20th**

_Number of pictures taken of self by Colin Creevey: 31_

_Number of points taken from Colin Creevey: 7_

_Number of times caught Potions Master, ok, ok, Severus, staring at me: 73 (v.v.g)_

I have no life, only homework and daydreams of a teacher.

22.49

However, he is incredibly sexy.

23.01

Bad girl.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you to the people who reviewed! I thought I shoujld kinda put in a disclaimer. I own nothing. I dont even own the idea for the story, cuz I got it from Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones' Diary. So don't sue. I own nothing at all!

**January 27th**

_Number of thoughts about Severus: 103_

_Number of snogs: 4 (v.g.)_

_Number of snogs with Sevrus: 0 (v.bad)_

_Number of snogs with Ron: 4 (not that bad)_

_Number of snogs PRETENDING it was Severus: 4 (v.v.v. bad!)_

Yes, yes, it's true, I snogged Ron. He's not Severus, but I must say he is a very very good kisser. You see, it all started this morning at breakfast. I was of course playing my usual staring games with Severus. No matter how many mornings we do this, yo uknow, stare, eyebrow arch, wink, turn away, repeat, it still surprises me, and it also makes me go all shivery. I feel electric and giddy, and positively high! Oh, such a thrill! It is very very exciting to have his dark mysterious eyes boring into my own, a hint of playfulness, a flash of flirtatiousness, the quick arch of the eyebrows, the cold, hard glare replaced with a fun smirk, a wink and then he is gone...

Anyway! It was Harry's fault. He turned around and said, very loudly, to Ron:

"When are you gonna just snog Hermione, mate?" he grinned at Ginny and then went back to eating breakfast. I dragged my eyes away from Severus and stared at Ron. He was redder than his hair. It was quite endearing actually.

He muttered something incoherent and then walked fast out of the hall. I could only guess that he had gone back to the common room. Now, I love Ron as my best friend, but I don't really have any kind of crush on him. Yes, I did, but that was before I started flirting with Severus (If it is flirting). But I was full of pent up energy! All this flirting and nothing to show for ut! A girl has needs you know. So there I was, fresh with the image of Severus in my mind (and he was looking particularly attractive today... Black really is his colour...) and safe in the knowledge that Ron was up for a good snog.

It was perfect. So I followed him to the common room and spent about an hour snogging him. Of course to me it wasn't really Ron. It was Severus. Isn't that terrible? Snogging smoeone and pretending it's someone else! I am so ashamed! But it was like I was posessed. But once we were done, I felt very rightly sorry.

But it's a win win situation. I get out some snogging frustration, Ron gets a good snog with me, who he apparently has been lusting after for a very long time, everyones happy!

23.56

I am a no good dirty rotten scoundrel, leading on poor boys with my vixenish ways.

23.59

Will eschew Ron-snoggage with a firm hand.

23.59 and a half

Although that does leave me snogless. NO! Must be a good girl Hermione, no more Ron snogging!

**February 2nd**

_Number of thoughts about Severus: 96_

_Number of "Teen Witch Weekly" back issues read in hope of finding advice on "How To Make Your Potions Teachjer Fall In Love With You": 62 (pitiful)_

_Number of thoughts about relapsing and snogging best friend and pretending it is Potions Master: 427 (v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v. bad)_

_Number of times have actually relapsed and snogged best friend and pretended it to be potions master: 0 (v.v.v.v.v.v. good)_

_Number of disturbing encounters with Draco Malfoy: 14 (Um... scary?)_

So far, am suceeding in eschewing Ron. At first he seemed hurt, but now he seems fine. Might have something to do with Ginny's ravenclaw friend, Maria, who has taken an interest in him. I am pleased, it means no more relapsing for me!

Now it seems that Draco Malfoy has started to stalk me. I actually had to lock him in a broom closet to escape! He keeps trying to corner me and snog me. But it is getting harder to resist. I mean his silver eyes do somehting to a girl... Ugh! I really need Snape to hurry up and come ask me out. Or maybe just snog me, whatever. But I need him so bad, I am actually considering snogging Draco Malfoy! He seems to be on drugs lately, all nice and "snog-me-Granger", rather than "filthy-little-mudblood".

17.58

Ok, here's what I'll do: Quick snog with Malfoy to make Snape jealous, then he will definitely wake up and realise I will soon be unavailable and snog me senseless. Who knows, maybe even a good shag is in order. So must perfect my glaciation and begin to aim it at Severus. It pains me to do so, but it will work out well in the end... I hope.

18.03

Pre-seduction nerves. I do not want to have to snog Malfoy, for God's sake, but it could be worse. An dif it leads me to my love, then it'll all be ok in the end.

18.05

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

**February 14th**

_No. of Valentines received: 4 (v.v.v.v. good)_

_No. of said Valentines received from Malfoy: 2 (ok, creepy, but helpful to plan)_

_No. of said Valentines received from Dobby: 1 (Disturbing much? But very sweet)_

_No. of said Valentines received from "Your staring partner": 1_

My staring partner? That can only mean Severus! Oh joy! Happiness unbounded! My life has worth! Maybe I should just go up to him and snog him, you know, let him know that I'm open to the idea of a relationship with him...

13.13

No no, Hermione, glaciation, the plan... Malfoy...

01.47

Oh bloody hell! Have sucessfully seduced Malfoy (not that it was very hard), but now am feeling extremely regretful! I tell you, it took me two hours to just get my hair right, I needed to look perfect. And I must say I did.

Anyway, entered the Great Hall looking fabulous in my new dress robes. My eyes automatically flickered to the staff table, to Severus. He looked me up and down, his mouth slightly agape. The corners of his mought twitched up and he raised both eyebrows in what I hope to be approval. I merely smirked back then looked around for Malfoy. When I was sure he wasn't looking I looked back to see he looked a little taken aback and confused! And also a tad hurt?

Aha! Success!

Anyway, I found Malfoy, or should I say he found me, and accepted his offer of a dance. I made sure we danced right up in front of the staff table and then I did it, when I was sure he was watching. I snogged Malfoy.

He was an awful kisser, but it was worth the look on Severus' face. I think my plan is working you know. He looked, for the first time in my memory, hurt. I caught his eye, but he promptly looked away, his nose slightly tilted back.

Oh dear. Now it was I who was being treated to glaciation and eschewing.

02.13

Bugger. I think I'm going to leave now and go to bed. After several rejections of "just one more dance" you'd think Malfoy would get the message. Anyway, this dance was supposed to end at one, so McGonnigal said. But then again, she looks like she's, er, enjoying herself, with Flitwick. Disturbing to see her crouch down to snog him, but you can't help but think it sweet...

02.21

Right that's it! I'm leaving!

03.00

Argh! Success! I think... Was just approaching the staircase when...

"Miss Granger," called the silky voice I knew too well.

"Sev... Professor Snape," I turned. Why was he talking to me, I thought he was eschewing me?

"I just thought you should know, you dropped this," he said, holding out the clip I had had in one side of my hair. I took a step toward him, my hand held out. The corridor was empty except for us. He took my outstretched hand and pulled me close to him. I could smell a light scent of aftershave, I could see a scar right below his hairline, I could feel his (minty fresh) breath on my cheek.

"You know, your hair looks better curly, _Hermione,"_ he whispered right in my ear, tickling me slightly. He brushed my cheek with his lips, pressed my hair clip into my palm, then turned and walked straight back into the Great Hall.

What was that all about? It did happen, right? I wouldn't imagine something like that, right? No, of course not, my fantasies always include more than a kiss on the cheek. It definitely happened, anyway, I am not deranged!

03.14

Bloody men and their mysterious ways!

A good bath, lots of chocolate and candles and a good daydream are the cure for anything (Although, nothing bad has happened, really, it was rather good... I just hate the confusion I am feeling).

04.00

Oh dear. Just had THE ultimate daydream! Severus approaching me under inexplicable mystletoe in his office.

"Hermione, you are the most delicious looking being on this planet, you know that?" he said grabbing my waist and pressing it against his own.

"Oh, take me now Severus!" I cried, then I lunged forward and kissed him so passionately. He pushed me down onto his desk and began to explore me with his hands. He then proceeded to take of his shirt and then my own, then he moved lower until...

Bad girl, very bad Hermione!

04.15

Still, most amazing daydream ever. Am still feeling very flushed and exhilirated.

04.27

And Severus is extremely sexy without a shirt... in my head at least, but I am sure it's true!

04.30

I really should go to sleep. But still, most people are still at the dance. I have decided to continue with the plan. Will continue to use Draco, until he annoys me too much. Then perhaps Ron will be willing, although he was very very involved with that Maria girl tonight. Still, I couldn't help but notice his longing stares at me too! Not that I'm vain...

Argh, I am so horrible! Using people to get the one I want! Still, all is fair in love and war... Especially when it involves someone as annoyingly perfect as Severus Snape...

Now must sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...


	3. Chapter 3

**February 20th**

_Number of "Right-That's-It-I've-Gained-New-Focus" plans formed: 1 (v.v.g)_

_Number of thoughts of Severus Snape, Sex God and Part-Time Potions Master: 89 (Ooh, bad girl)_

_Number of snogs with Malfoy, Stalker Extraordinaire: 3 (Hmmmm, good? bad? gross? All of the above?)_

_Number of stare-downs with Said Sex-God: 0 (Good, as part of plan, bad for me as I am sad)_

Have started a new era. Will continue with plan to make Severus green with envy so he will come and sweep me of my feet in a passionate snogging fit! (Oh my!). Must continue to snog Malfoy (bleuch!) but it is okay, will do anything to entrap and ensnare my Sex-God!

Since Valentine's Day have been in a chocolate comatose, reliving what happened with Severus and wondering exactly what it meant. Did he really say he preferred my hair in it's normal state? How sweet! But also was racked with guilt over fact that had previously snogged Malfoy in front of him purposely. Felt very very selfish. So, put on sad music, cried, drowned in chocolate, woke up today, threw up and smiled. I thought to myself "The only reason he came after you was to assure you he DID have feelings for you! Why else would he kiss you on the cheek? So really he too is playing a game! This is all really a lot of fun, when you think about it...".

So it is decided. Must make Severus jealous.

20.46

If only I didn't need to use MALFOY! Urgh...

**March 1st**

_No. of snogs successfully inititated in front of Severus: 14!_

_No. of puzzled looks received from Severus after said snoggage: 82! (v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v.v.gooooooood!)_

_No. of plans appearing to work: 1_

_No. of plans not working: 0 (excellent)_

That's right, Severus keeps trying to catch my eye, for me to offer some kind of explanation, but I merely look away. Hahaha! I am the ice queen hear me roar! Well, no not roar... Anyway, I am now a desirable Goddess, and also, I am unattainable because of Malfoy. Look at him, he's green with envy! Yummy!

It was rather hard to explain to Harry and Ron why exactly I was snogging Malfoy, but I just started rambling:

"Well, you see I have a plan and if i don't do the plan I can never be happy, so neither can anyone else, and besides, you want me to be happy right? Right? And no I'm not happy with Malfoy but it will all work out in the end, and by the way, did anyone hear about the escaped lion in New York? No? Just me then, ok got to go do homework, bye!"

That's what I said, pretty much, though I am sure that firepeople and the sun featured somewhere...

13.26

No more caffeine related explanations for me!

23.07

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Malfoy just felt my left breast! Oh, it was so disgusting!

We were having a snogging session in the corridor Snape passes through every night, when all of a sudden he plunges his hand right up my shirt and starts squeezing! It was THE most disgusting, vile, DISTURBING incedent in my life!

Ugh, must now scrub self clean!

00.21

Just had nightmare in which Malfoys hand was glued to left breast for all eternity.

00.23

Ugh. Disgusting.

**March 7th**

_Units of Confusion: 42,581_

_Units of Depression: 6,915,425_

_Units of Happiness: 5,673,427,219_

_Thoughts of what just happened: 49,623,417_

Oh dear. Was just leaving dungeons after potions class, when... Well.

"Miss Granger," he called silkily. He being the Sex God, my heart, my love, Severus.

"Yes, Professor Snape?" I said looking mildly interested and oh-so innocent.

"Shut the door." he commanded. Oh my! This could be interesting.

"What is it, Professor?" I said.

"Miss Granger... Hermione," he said, using my actual name, "I was wondering why you have chosen Mr. Malfoy as a... suitor?"

"Well... I mean, um..." I stuttered. I had not been expecting this. Does he know about my plan? How could he know? Was I being to obvious? N, no, you're not, now pay attention. You still have to answer the question.

"Well?" he says, smirking.

"I don't see how that is any of your business, Professor!" I answer, trying my best not to smile. Keep calm, maintain composure, ice-queen. glaciation... Oh, but I want to snog him!

"Well, here's the thing, I DO think it is my business. You see, I do think you are trying to make me jealous, Ms. Granger!" He's grinning broadly now.

Bugger I forget he was a legilimens! Bugger, bugger, fuck!

I went bright red, much to his pleasure.

"That's... I mean, ridiculous! Preposterous! Insane! Why would I... I mean... Argh! You areinfuriating!" I burst out. I took a step closer to him, pointing my finger at him.

"Now you listen hear! You drop all these hints, you look at me," I poke him, "you wink at me," another poke, "you kiss me on the cheek and tell me you like my hair natural," I poke him twice, "you send me secret Valentine's, and all this leads to nothing? What are you doing, for Christs sake, are you just messing with my head? Or do you actually have feelings for me? Hmm?"

I finish my rant, panting and flushed. He's not smiling now. Good! I wiped the smirk of his face! And then he did something very unexpected. He rushed forward to me, grabbed my arms, and pressed his lips against mine, passionately, furiously, leaving me gasping. His mouth his open, his tongue wet on mine (It doesn't sound very nice, but it was amazing). He lets me go and steps back looking shocked at what he has just done.

"Miss. Granger," he says, panting slightly, "I will see you in potions. Good day."

I step out the door, shocked, but ecstatic. That was... surreal. Did that really just happen? Did he really just snog me? Did I really just yell at him for leading me on? And then he snogged me?

Bloody Hell.

18.42

Still. I snogged the Sex God, Sverus Snape, uh huh, mm hmm, oh yeah!

21.13

Broke up with Draco. He didn't seem too fussed, he was busy snogging Pansy Parkinson. Made sure to break up with him within ear shot of Severus. He stared determindly (sp?) at his plate, refusing to meet my eyes. He wasn't even smiling.

Oh dear.

23.37

Maybe I was such a terrible snogger that he's gone off me. Or maybe it was a pity snog, and he really has no feelings for me at all.

23.52

Bugger.

00.14

Why wouldn't he look at me? Why wouldn't he smile? You think after a good snog, someone would have the decency to look a bit pleased! Or at least look you in the eye! Oh, blast him what on Earth is he doing to me?

00.47

Pfft. Men and their God damn attractiveness!

01.02

Will not succumb to mind games. Do not need man in life.

01.28

Bugger it.


	4. Chapter 4

**March 15th**

_No. of letters received from Severus: 1_

_No. of alcoholic beverages drank (illegally) in attempt to drown sorrows: 42 (Very very bad!)_

_No. of chocolate bars, sweets and lollipops eaten in attempt to make sorrows very very ill: 326 (Ugh. Disgusting)_

I received a letter this morning that has Ended My World. Quite literally, too.

_Dear Hermione,_

_Ms. Granger, I really should call you, as you are a student, which is why I am writing to you. I wish to apologise for my irrational and simply disgraceful behaviour on March 7th. I must admit that this past year I have developed feelings for you, heaven knows why. You're an insufferable know-it-all, which I have called you before, you have wild hair that only sparks my interest in you in a most unnatural way. I long to touch your mane of hair, and this puzzles me greatly. I long to hold you in my arms, for unfathomable reasons. But no matter why or how or when, I do like you._

_However. We can never be. I am 34 year old professor and you are a 17 year old student of mine. You are half my age and also I teach you. It is wrong on many levels to even have feelings for you, and it would be worse still to act on them._

_I apologise Hermione. Please, do not speak of this to anyone._

_Yours,_

_Severus Snape_

_Potions Master_

_Hogwart's School of Witchcraft & Wizardry_

I have died. God damn him to hell! I thought my plan was working, and now this! Right, I need more alcohol.

02.56

Hehehehe, who needsh a man, huh? Shertaintly not me, no shiiiiree! Esshhpeshially Sheverush Shnape, hahaha... He ish very priddy, though... I musht pershervere... Hahahahaha, woah, my bedroom ish shpinning...

Ugh. I feel kinda shick... Ugh...

**March 16th**

_No. of regrets about last nights drinking session: 473_

_No. of hearts still broken: 1_

_No. of lives over: 1 (Mine... Sniff)_

Oh, how cruel is this world! Woe is me and all that rubbish.

14.52

Right. Have decided to make new start. After post-heartbreak hangover, took long bath to clear my head. Am feeling much better now and have decided to forget about Sev... Professor Snape. Will move on to nice boy of own age and forget I ever had feelings for the slimy, greasy haired monster.

16.13

Have emerged from dormitory with hair no longer frizzy mess in presentable clothes. Head still aching but no matter. Will become new woman.

17.43

Bugger. So far have had 72 daydreams about Professor Snape. Not healthy.

**March 27th**

Excellent progress. Have managed to develop actual crush on Ron. It is very very small, but very very real. Will initiate relationship.

12.46

Or maybe just a good snog.

12.49

Either is acceptable.

12.53

Bad girl.

**April 2nd**

_Number of April fools jokes played on me: 14_

_Number of April Fools Jokes I played: 3_

_Number of snogs in two days: 16_

Hurrah! Am once more back in the land of the living. I, Hermione Granger, have successfully secured a boyfriend. As of yesterday, Ron is my boyfriend. And ok, I did only have very slight feelings for him, but I'll grow to love him. Plus he is much better for me than a certain oily haired Professor.

22.17

And he is a most excellent snogger.

**April 11th**

_No. of very naughty plans forming in my subconscious: 11_

_No. of daydreams about Ron: 4_

_No. of daydreams about Potions Master: 52 (.v. bad)_

_No. of Easter Dances to attend in exactly one weeks time: 1_

_No. of dates with Ron to Easter dance: 1_

_No. of dates with Potions Master to Easter Dance: 0_

Oh joy unbounded. McGonnigal has announced a dance to celebrate Easter in exactly one weeks time. I am going with my boyfriend, Ron, of course. Can't help but feel a little sad that am not going with... No. Will not think that way.

Must find suitable outfit as we are all to wear muggle clothing. Was thinking denim mini that is short without being slutty, with my halter-neck top and ballet pumps.

16.12

Have decided to wear skinny leg jeans, same ballet pumps and stripy vest top instead. This just screams mature-inner-poised-glaciated-ice-queen-with-sincere-warm-heart-that-is-only-given-to-those-who-deserve-it-and-also-smart-and-pleasant-talker-to. At least I hope so.

16.39

Ummmm...

21.24

Ugh. Ate so much in attempt to smother sorrows in fat duvet. Don't know exactly why am sorrowful. I am a young girl, poised on the brink of womanhood, attractive-ish, with boyfriend and a date to Easter dance.

I guess it is because I am missing something...

21.42

Something called Severus Snape.

22.03

Sigh...


	5. Chapter 5

**Wow! I can't believe I am getting such positive reviews, thank you so much! It really makes me determined to continue, so thank you! Hope you enjoy! Oh and I own nothing!**

**April 14h**

_No. of invites to Easter Dance received from 3rd year girl: 1 (What on Earth was she thinking? For one, am 7th year, and also, not lesbian. I already tried, it's not worth it!)_

_No. of times Ron has laughed since Lesbian 3rd year incedent: 52_

_No. of times have thumped Ron: 76 (v. satisfying)_

Oh dear. In fit of madness have impulse bought the most hideous dress ever known to man. For one thing I do not ever wear dresses, for another, this looks like it's part carpet, part curtains and part dead animal of sorts. Possibly the Giant Squid... Anyway, bought it under influence of 27 bottles of butterbeer. Not very smart. So 22 galleons down the drain. Sigh. Still, could always sell as aniumal tray lining.

Actually not a bad business move.

**April 16th**

_No. of dresses sold: 1_

_No. of galleons earned for dress that cost 22 galleons to buy: 3_

_No. of galleons I have lost: 19 _

Convinced Neville to buy dress to cut up and use for Trevor's... cage? What do toads sleep in anyway? I think he bought it out of pity. I looked rather mad really. I hadn't even tried to tame my hair, had last nights old mascara around my eyes, which were also rather red, and also slightly encrusted drool on the corner of my mouth.

How attractive.

**April 17th**

_Total panic per centage: 97.5_

_Units of pain out of ten after eyebrow pluckage: 4,000 (Yes, I'm aware that's not out of ten, that is the humourosity and exaggeration of my pain) (Just shut up, my eyes hurt.)_

_No. of boyfriends: Still 1, inducing calming effect._

Have started to panic about state of, er, beauty of self. Went into overdrive by plucking eyebrows whilst using "Dr. Melrose's Magical Teeth Whitening Strips" (My parents wouldn't be to happy about the idea of teeth and magic). Then waxed legs (ouch, ouch, ouch) and scrutinised outfit again. Decided it was still perfect, as it still screamed: mature-inner-poised-glaciated-ice-queen-with-sincere-warm-heart-that-is-only-given-to-those-who-deserve-it-and-also-smart-and-pleasant-talker-to in my opinion.

And that's what matters most.

Right?

Anyway, am now searching for my Sleak-eazy potion, which seems to have disappeared of face of Earth.

22.37

Fuck, fuck, fuck, where is it?

23.58

Ah, found it! Ok, will leave it on bed side table so I don't lose it again tomorrow. Now, must get beauty sleep wearing a cooling anti-puffy-eye face mask thingy whilst I sleep.

04.26

Woke up in panic after nightmare in which Ron turned into giant marshmallow and ate Professor Snape. Argh. Also, when awoke forget about face mask and thought I had gone blind.

Quite scary really.

**April 18th/19th**

_No. of romantic gestures have received at Easter party: 3_

_No. of boyfriends: Either 2 or 0, still not sure_

_No. of plans long since jumped out window, got in car and drove at speed for Mexico, leaving trail of dust in wake: 1 (Original plan to ensnare Severus. also, only plan I had)_

_No. of rants after 63 butterbeers at party: 3 to self, and another one possibly coming in this diary entry._

It is 6am, so I suppose it is really the 19th, but I just climbed into bed and am too excited to sleep.

Night began either well, or terrible, depending on which way you look at it. 3rd year girl I had rejected performed romantic gesture no. one. I had just entered the Great Hall looking fabulous, and feeling great on Ron's arm, when she bobbed up in front of us, wearing a sombrero (sp) and holding a mini-guitar of sorts.

Oh dear.

She procedeeded to serenade me. In the Great Hall. In front of almost entire population of staff and students of Hogwarts. In front of Severus. Fan-bloody-tastic, you'll agree. I looked around in mortification and caught Severus' eye. He looked straight at me and seemed to be tryiing not to laugh. His mouth was twitching most insanely. I felt my face burn and my eyes were blazing, I could tell.

Once the girl was done, I muttered something along the lines of thank you, then pushed past her to find a seat with Ron. As to be expected after lesbian-slash-Mexican-type serenade I was not too hopeful for tonights goings on.

Oh life's little surprises.

After the feast, I went for a walk about the Rose garden that had been charmed in for tonights dance. This was when I received Romantic Gesture No. 2.

We sat on a bench next to the ice sculpture of the cherubs (Now really, an ice sculpture at Easter? Of cherubs, no less? What were they thinking!) and Ron turned to me all serious.

"Hermione," he said, looking at his hands in his lap, "I know we haven't been dating very long, but I have known you for seven years, so it is appropriate for me to say this and to feel this. Well, I hope so, anyway!" He blushed, then got down on his knees in front of me. Was gripped by a fear of impending marriage proposal. I'm only 17, and also, in-love-but-also-denying-it-to-self with the Potions Master. Could not and would not get married or engaged at such a tender place in my life. All I wanted was a nice bloke to snog, shag and chat with. I'm a hopeless romantic, I swear!

Anyway, was not actually a marriage proposal, thank Heavens.

"Hermione, I love you," he said and then he reached up and magiced a rose out from behind my ear. How sweet! However effect was ruined when thorn got caught in my newly sleak straight hair and caused Ron to pull it out with also half my hair and crash backwards into cherub ice sculpture. It smashed, of course, and upon Ron's attempt to fix it, it blew up and caused ice-cherub-inferno. Soon, entire school was outside watching the burning ice (How does that work anyway? How can ice burn?)

Anyway, next thing I knew I was just part of a crowd. Then I felt someone grip my arm.

"What do you say we get out of here?" he said suggestively, his breath tickling the back of my neck. I nodded and he took my hand, leading me out of the courtyard, through the Great Hall and down to his quarters in the dungeons. My heart was racing at this point. What could possibly be about to happen?

Oooh, I wonder?

He wasted no time in telling me he had made a mistake, he thought he could forget me, but he couldn't bare to see me with "That twat Ron". I attempted to defend Ron. He was, if nothing, my best friend, even if I truthfully had no romantic interest in him.

"Now, wait a second, Ron isn't a twa-" he cut me off with his mouth covering mine. It was fire driven and powerful, his kiss. I simply melted into him. He lifted my vest off, then pulled his own shirt off, to reveal, I am very pleased, chest twice as sexy as in my dream.

He then... well, I'm sure you can imagine what happened next!

And thus concludes romantic gesture no. 3. Most amazing night ever! Am on post shag high! You couldn't pull me down with a lead weight!

06.27

Also, as I was leaving to return to my dorms he said:

"Ok, maybe we should see each other, but keep it quiet right? I don't want to get sacked!" He then snogged me for about seven minutes straight and groped my arse as I was leaving the dungeons.

Ooh-er!

06.30

Now must break up with Ron. Perhaps will tell him am secretly a lesbian...

Could work and also lead to highly amusing story to tell at parties! "Oh yes, Hermione broke up with me and told me she was a lesbian as an excuse! Of course it was really because she was in love with Severus Snape, a professor of hers twice her age! What a hoot!"

It could be the speech he makes at my wedding!

06.34

Hurrah!


	6. Chapter 6

**April 23rd**

_No. of post shag highs deflating rapidly: 1_

_No. of boyfriends dumped: 1 (Ron)_

_No. of boyfriends left: I DON'T BLOODY KNOW, WHAT _IS _SEVERUS SNAPE'S PROBLEM?_

You know after shagging someone and agreeing to see them on the sly you'd think they's be prepared to make some kind of contact with them other than a small smirk in potions class. I wish he wouldn't play with my emotions as he does! I thought "Hurrah! Have managed to bag Severus after months of careful planning, which admittedly did nothing, but I still got him in the end!" and now... Not so much as a snog, or even a discreet smack on the arse. In fact, he has ceased stare downs, and won't so much as wink at me anymore.

Tch! Well, if he thinks he can shag me and leave me, he's got another thing coming. Am divine Goddess, emanating inner poise, and need no man in life.

19.27

Will forget him completely.

19.31

Who on Earth is Severus Snape?

20.14

Arghhhh! He is the most infuriatingly attractive man on this planet, that's who! He is the person I have inadvertently fallen in love with, Heaven knows why!

In fact... Why do I love him? Hmmm... Time to make a list, I think...

Reasons I love Severus Snape:

1. His body (Shallow, but true).

2. His eyes.

3. The manner in which he appears to be cold, cruel and evil, but deep down is quite cuddily and playful.

4. His sarcasm (i.e. quick wit).

5. His brain (He is v.v.v. smart).

Reasons I should really loathe him:

1. His cold, cruel and evil manner (However, have established that he is deep down cuddily and playful).

Right so strike that then.

1. His sarcasm (Have established this to be quick wit, therefore, is actually a loveable quality).

Right, strike that too.

Hmmm... Aha! I have one!

1. The fact that he is leaving me waiting when he knows how deep my feelings are for him, God damn legilimens...

21.56

I wish he had more loathsome qualities, then I wouldn't love him so.

22.03

Sigh...

**April 26th**

_No. of "Start-Of-New-Era's" timetables made: 1_

_No. of "Get-Up-And-Go!" demeanor's adopted: 1_

_No. of times Severus has spoken to me regarding matters unrelated to potions since shagfest: 0_

_No. of plans to forget Severus: 1 (v.g.)_

Yes! Have made timetable to not let self get distracted by cruelly handsome Potions Master's! Also, have decided to get over him. He has messed me around too much! First at Valentine's, then the letter, then the shag, and now there is just... nothingness. So, as of today, am new woman... Again. Will forget him, really, for good this time. He is not worth it.

Really.

**TIMETABLE:**

**07.30**Get up.

**07.33**Take shower.

**07.41**Dry hair.

**07.50**Get dressed.

**08.05**Go to common room.

**08.07**Tap foot impatiently waiting for Harry and Ron.

**08.12**Begin to read over homework.

**08.15**Ron and Harry appear and whine at me for looking at homework, saying they are hungry. We proceed to Great Hall.

**08.30**We try to find seats.

**08.33**We sit.

**08.35**We eat.

**08.38**I take out book, waiting for Harry and Ron to finish.

**08.40**Post arrives. Read Daily Prophet.

**08.45**Urge Harry and Ron to hurry and finish eating.

**08.50**Leave for classes.

**09.00 - 10.15**Classes, followed by break.

**10.30 - 13.00**Classes, followed by lunch.

**13.45 - 16.00**Classes.

**16.00 - 19.00**Study and homework in the library.

**19.03**Arrive in Great Hall.

**19.04**Sit down next to Harry and Ron.

**19.05**Eat dinner.

**19.35**Wait for Harry and Ron to finish. Proceed to common room.

**20.00**Get exasperated when asked for help with homework.

**20.03**Refuse to help.

**20.05 - 21.00**Help Harry and Ron with homework.

**21.02**Decline offer of wizard's chess and read instead.

**21.22 **Watch dramatic chess finale in which Harry is beaten.

**21.23**Play chess with Ron.

**21.56**Lose after well played game.

**22.02**Bury nose in book.

**22.05**Be interrupted by Ginny, who came for a chat in between snogging Harry.

**22.15**Once Ginny has returned to Harry's mouth, retreat to dormitory.

**22.30**Charm dormitory to play dolphin music and practice yoga.

**23.00**Go to bed, enlightened, relaxed, free and my own woman.

There! So, simply no time for Severus Snape. No matter, am own. woman.

22.32

Hmmm... yoga... sotthing dolphins... Inner poise...

AAAAARRRRGHHHH!

22.46

Was in the middle of a sun salute, when Lavender snuck up behind me and started tickling em mercilessly. Have never got more of a fright in my life.

Bugger. Will yogacise tomorrow, to bloody shaken now.

**May 2nd**

_No. of timetables stuck to: 1 (Well, it varies in the evenings, like sometimes I don't play chess, or Ginny might not come chat, but the important parts are there i.e. NO SEVERUS!)_

_Units of inner poise out of 10: 8.2 (v.v.g., though, wasn't very inner poise-y when I tripped out of the portrait hole! Ummmm...)_

_No. of times have looked at potions master: 0 (excellent)_

Am doing very well, so far, am pleased to report. Pfft! Snape, shmape! Who needs him, eh? Eh?

20.31

Bugger. Just realised my N.E.W.Ts begin in exactly 20 days, and have down very little study. Must begin to study after dinner, instead of chess and reading. Will persevers with yoga, though. It is indeed inducing a calm on my life.

20.47

Hurrah.


	7. Chapter 7

**May 6th**

_No. of hearts broken over sodding Potions Master who I can't seem to rid myself of: 1_

_No. of tears shed over sodding Potions Master: 4357_

_No. of times am planning to leave bed in foreseeable future: 0_

Ugh. My life is over. My heart has whithered and died. I see no point in continuing with this sham of an existence.

It happened at dinner. Was repeating mantra to self, "inner poise, inner poise," and was succeeding in not once glancing at the staff table at a certain professor. Ron and Harry were paying attention only to their food, and also, in Harry's case, Ginny Weasley's hand on his knee. Then, as I was taking a drink from my goblet, the door behind the staff table flew open, and in walked a woman. She was dark haired with a peculiar yet magnificently beautiful face.

'Who on Earth...' I thought to myself, and then... Then, Severus stood up, embraced her and kissed her on the cheek. He looked so happy, so pleased to see her. He drew up a chair next to his and they sat down to finish eating. I was staring at them, open-mouthed in shock. Then I felt the tears begin to form.

Because no matter how much "inner-poise" I've got, no matter how much I try to get over him, no matter how much I think he's an inconsiderate bastard, I love him. I really truly do. I stood up as the first tears threatened to fall.

"Excuse me," I muttered not looking at anyone. I glanced up at him when I reached the door to the corridor and met his eyes. He saw the tears and he looked stricken.

Ha! Like he has reason to be upset. It was my heart that was broken! Mine! Me who was lead on by his charms, and his excellent shag ability, and it was me who was let down in the end, who was left alone, while he has his "unusual beauty" to moon over.

20.42

Am going to sleep in hope of never waking up.

**May 7th**

_Alcoholice beverages: 4 (Drowning sorrows, but not really as they are butterbeer and do nothing for current state of mind, sadly)_

_Chocolate cakes eaten: 21 (Killing sorrows by sugar-and-fat overload)_

_Times have left bed in past 24 hours: 2 (Bathroom)_

Look disgusting. Feel disgusting. Am disgusting, really, otherwise would never have repulsed Severus away into arms of model-esque Queen. Perhaps I was so repulsive without clothes, or maybe was just a terrible shag, and now he is sending me not so subtle hints, like having his future wife appear in the Great Hall at dinner time, in hope that I will get the message and get over him.

Ugh... Think will curl up and die.

17.26

Have just finished talking to Ginny, who came to see me when Harry and Ron told her I was sick.

"Hermione, I know you're not asleep, so sit up and talk to me," she said upon entering the dorm. How did she know I wasn't sleeping? "If you talk to me, I'll give you more cake and a cup of tea?" I immediately sat bolt upright.

I was out of cake.

"What's wrong with you, why won't you come downstairs?" she asked, looking concerned.

"I'm," cough cough, "sick," cough cough cough. She didn't look convinced, so I gave in. If I can't tell Ginny, who can I tell?

"Alright!" I cried, tears forming in my eyes, "My heart is broken! I'm dying of the pain!" I grabbed a pully and buried my face in it, positively howling.

"Shh," she said soothingly, stroking my hair, "Who is it you're in love with? Ron?" she asked.

"No! No, no, no!" I replied through my sobs, "It's..." I hesitated. What would her reaction be? Oh, sod it, it's not like I cared about anything anymore.

"You have to promise to never tell! Not even Ron or Harry, in fact, especially not them!" I said, looking at her warningly, though it probably didn't work as had hair size of Texas and red, swollen eyes from crying. However she nodded in agreement.

"Professor Snape," I whispered in an agonised tone. Ginny, God bless her, didn't shriek or squeal or laugh. Instead, when I had buried my head in the pillow for another good cry, resumed stroking my hair.

"Oh, you poor thing! Oh how awful, especially with that woman just appearing out of nowhere!" She sounded genuinely sympathetic. "Well! You know what this calls for?" she asked lifting my head up to look at her. I sniffed and shook my head "no".

"It means, m'dear, that we are going to have to cheer you up! I'll tell Lavender and Parvati that your heart is broken - don't worry I won't say by who! And then we will stay up all night laughing at boys and their general stupidity! Of course, we will need required girly feel good music and makeover supplies..." She looked thoughtful.

"I'll go get my supplies, some food and Lavender and Parvati!" She hugged me again, "Oh, Hermione, don't worry! Everything always works out for the best! And if he doesn't wake up and realise how desperately in love with you he is, then it's his own misfortune!" She grinned at me, and I couldn't help but smile back. She is such a positive person, she always makes me feel better.

Oh, bugger, here they are. Am actually secretly excited for girly slumber party. It's just what the doctor ordered!

18.01

But was it really necessary to bring both a bottle of vodka and one of tequila? Will be pissed in no time.

01.27

Har har har, Ginny ish funny. I love her sho sho mushhh! And Lavender and Parvashi! They are the beshtesht friendsh ever! Ooooh, shtrawsh! Ha ha ha, look Ginny ish shinging Pat Benetar! She'sh actually very good, shoundsh jusht like her... "Love ish a battlefield! We are shtrong! No one can tell ush we're wrong! Shearshing our heartsh for sho long!"

Ahh, go Ginny, hic! Oopshy! Hic! Why is Parvashi coming at me with lipshtick... Thish won't end well...

Hic!

**May 9th**

_No. of hangovers nursed yesterday: 1_

_No. of times left bed yesterday: 7 (Bathroom for pukage)_

_No. of times left bed today: Today I went to classes. I guess Ginny's sleepover did the trick._

_No. of detentions received after being framed: 1_

Ugh. I am so mad. Was in potions today and Snape threw a firework in my cauldron, just so he could give me detention. I knew he didn't love me, but now I think he really hates me to be framing me to get me in detention. Ugh. Why would he do such a thing? That's just cruel.

19.01

My head still hurts. Ugh. Now, have to go to detention tomorrow night with Snape. It will be unbearable especially since my heart is broken and yet all the tiny shards that remain scream his name.

19.27

Should have never left bed.

**A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who keeps reviewing me, I am so pleased you are all enjoying my story. Not so funny this chapter, but had to go with Hermione's mood. Next one will be better I promise, and I'll keep updating as fast as I can, which incidentally is pretty fast, since as soon as I post a new chapter, I start another! I have no life, what ya gonna do?**

**purple-dinosaur xxxx**


	8. Chapter 8

**May 11th**

_No. of explanations received: 1_

_No. of shags in one night: 3 (Last night)_

_No. of times have hummed bridal march to self: 47 (Dum dum da-dum, dum dum da-dum!) Ok, 48!_

Aha! Success! Have never been more happy in all my life! It began yesterday with that awful detention with Severus. Was actually not so terrible, as you will see! Went down to dungeons at seven o'clock, as instructed and awaited my doom.

"Ah, Hermione," he greeted, looking rather pleased to see me. Smug bastard, was my first thought.

"Professor Snape," I mumbled to my feet. He stood up and came over to me, then put his arms around me leaning down as though to kiss me. Woah! Wait a minute, what happened to the future Mrs. Severus Snape? I pushed him away and he looked rather taken aback.

"What do you think you're doing, Professor?" I snapped.

"But... Hermione, why? What's wrong?" he asked. I exploded.

"What's wrong? What's - WHAT'S WRONG?" I screamed! "I'll tell you what, first you shag me and then not so much as a little note or wink! You led me on then practically ignored me! And then your beautiful fiancé turns up in the middle of dinner! Thus, I am made into desperate fat cow who deserves to be shot, cooked and served on a bun with a side order of fries! What are you trying to do here? I mean, would it have been so hard to say "Look, Hermione, sorry for shagging you, but I think we shouldn't have any relationship at all" rather than "Let's see each other on the sly" it's cruel and you toyed with my emotions, then because you were to cowardly to end things with me you got your unusually attractive fiancé to appear in front of - STOP LAUGHING!"

I have never been so mad in all my life!

"Hermione, Hermione, calm down," he spluttered, trying not to laugh, "She's not my fiancé! She's my cousin!"

Oh dear. Have inadvertently accused Severus of incestuous behaviour.

"What? Oh. Okay, I'll just... But that doesn't explain why you didn't say a single word to me after shagging me!" I said indignantly! Aha! Let's see him worm his way out of this one.

"Well, I actually sent you two owls, but it appears you never received them?" he looked at me questioningly. Who on Earth could have stolen my owls?

"Oh no! I never got any owls! Oh... You must think I am a right fool! Coming down here and shouting my mouth off! Oh, well, I am sorry, and I think it best I -" he cut me off with a kiss so powerful and passionate and full of desire.

Hurrah! Actually have managed to bag sexy, older, mature, funny, smart boyfriend. Inner poise really pays off!

Oh, bugger! I think I woke him with my quill-scratching... Oooh-er, this is very very interesti-

22.46

He woke up, we shagged and then I couldn't delay my return to Gryffindor Tower anymore. It was already approaching seven a.m. when I last wrote. Then went to classes with cheery smile all day.

Didn't even complain when was asked for homework help by Harry and Ron.

22.52

Truly am a new woman with amazing boyfriend, amazing friends and an amazing life. Nothing could spoil my mood!

23.04

Oh fuck! N.E.W.Ts in ten days and I haven't studied! Bugger, bugger, bugger!

**May 14th**

_No. of subjects studied thoroughly: 2 (v.g)_

_No. of subjects re-studied of the two: 2 (v.v.g!)_

_No. of late night snogging sessions with Severus under pretence of detention: 2 in two days (v.v.v.v.g!)_

Am back to old self in fashion of wonder woman (no, am not considering lesbianism again!). Have excellent boyfriend who snog every night! Have studied 2 subjects and have one week to study rest - excellent. Am young, attractive, have inner poise, have managed to bag boyfriend who I love and who seems to have a certain fondness for me, if anything!

Tra la la, fah la la!

23.56

Why? Why on Earth must Ginny's answer to anything - moping, happiness, studying, a broken nail - be alcohol and getting pissed? She's only 16 and already a budding alcoholic!

Alright, maybe I'll have one drink...

02.46

He he he he, am very very tipshy and merry! Hic! I love Sheverush Shnape! In fact I'm going to shend him an owl, shaying how mush I love him! Hic!

_Dear Severus,_

_You are most georgeous and amazing, I am enthralled by your sexiness! Also, you are an excellent snogger!_

_I love you and your body and your brain and your eyes and your snoggworthiness! You are quite literally delicious!_

_When I think of you I feel like jumping in a pool of chocolate so you can lick me clean. _

_You are my one and only giant love machine, you sexy beast, you!_

_I think I'm a little bit drunk, but I don't care! I feel like goin got the top of the Astronomy Tower and singing to the world all about little ol' you, because you are like a cuddle bunny._

_When I next see you I will bring you a pear._

_Love,_

_Hermione_

**May 15th**

_No. of headaches: 1 (Feels like 7, but have not got 7 heads)_

_No. of times have given out to Ginny for bringing up alcohol: 4_

Ugh, will never drink again.

Oh fuck. What the hell is in that last entry? Dear Severus... Am pear? A fucking pear? Tell me I didn't send this, pleeeeeaaasse!

22.42

Just got back from Severus' dungeon. Indeed, I sent the letter. He assures me that he knows I was drunk and he does not expect a pear. However will never get over the "cuddle bunny" reference and insists I call him that at least once a day.

22.46

I hate him.

22.51

But I love him really... My little cuddle bunny.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hey! So, I've still been getting a lot of nice reviews, but some people have said some other not so nice things. Now I don't mind constructive criticism, because that helps me make my story, you know, better, in some way, but I got some people saying that my story wasn't believable or that the characters were all wrong. I'd like to point out that my story is FANFICTION. It is fiction. It is never ever going to happen. I wrote this because, after the 6th book, I was thinking, "Ha! I always read HG/SS ships, and now look!" and I thought it would be funny to write a really outrageous one that would never ever happen in the books! So if you're gonna say something not so nice in the review, at least make it constructive rather than insulting, kay?**

**Also, just an idea, I was considering writing a companion diary, you know, Snape's, but I don't know whether to or not! Let me know what you think.**

**May 24th**

_No. of N.E.W.Ts taken: 3 (And almost sure I passed excellently)_

_No. of times have considered putting self in mental institution: 17_

_No. of subjects hurriedly restudied: 2_

Ugh. I think I was still drunk when I wrote last. Severus is NOT a cuddle bunny! Sure, I love him, for whatever twisted reason (I think it was the therapy that changed him, and now... he's irresistable) but he is in no ways a cuddle bunny. He's more like... Ok, it's clichéd, but he is really rather like a snake. You think you know him as the murderous, vile, loathsome little bastard, but then, he surprises you. He's able to slither his way right into your heart.

Argh! I am so lovesick, it is not funny. Am starting to not feel like old self. Must maintain inner poise... Hummmmmm...

22.46

Oh bloody hell! Why? Why? Why do I attract lesbians? First it was that 3rd year girl a while ago, and no, Heaven forbid, Professor bloody Trelawny? Ok, one: I never ever ever pegged her for a lesbian. Two: Why me? She hates me! I left her class and called her a fraud! Why, oh why is it always me?

Ugh. Too depressed to tell story.

22.51

Okay, fine. Was in the library, studying, of course, when she sat down next to me.

"Your auro is very busy, my dear, I sense that you have important things to be worrying about," she said dramatically. Well, gee, how did she know about the N.E.W.Ts? She's amazing!

"Yes, well, one does feel the impending doom of a very important exam," I snapped. She tittered in what she hoped was a mystical way. Why wouldn't she go bug Lavender or Parvati? And why was she in the library instead of the tower where she usually spends all her time?

"Yes, well, my dear..." she trailed off, having thought of no plausible prediction. Then she put her hand on my knee and squeezed.

"Come see me _any_time my dear," she breathed. Then, she stood up and walked away, turning her head only once to wink at me.

Most disturbing on many many levels.

22.57

I have to stop Dobby from giving her cooking sherry. That's what it was.

23.01

Had to be.

23.04

Ummmm...

**May 29th:**

_No. of exams completed: All of them, through some bloody miracle_

_No. of impending psychotic movie-slash-dances: 1_

_No. of times have considered placing McGonnigal in insane asylum to suggest such a thing: 42_

Hurrah. McGonnigal has announced that on June 4th, the last full day, we will be having a movie in the Great Hall (Honestly! How muggle-esque! Especially since two of our five choices are muggle movies! What was she thinking!) followed by a (quote) "Grand Ball!"

Heaven help us.

Here are the movie choices:

1**. The Wands Which Way: **Romantic comedy drama in which four witches, two muggle men and a wizard find themselves falling in and out of love with each other, even though they've never properly met.

(Honestly! Should never mix muggle and magic movies!)

2. **Out Of The Closet: **A muggle horror in which a family are terrorized by the Thing In The Closet.

(At first, I believed this to be a drama with underlying messages of the fear of announcing homosexuality. Honestly.)

3. **The Time Turner: **Action/Adventure in whch a witch must singlehandly go back in time to save her husband, without changing anything else of the past. Of course has disastrous consequences. Can she right things?

(Wow. That sounds like the biggest load of utter bollocks. Couldn't they pick any good movies?)

**4. Alohomora: **What happens when a witch and wizard can't get into their apartment, even using alohomora? Why they go around to their friends houses! Follow this couple as they learn who their real friends are!

(Um... I can't even find words.)

5. **Footloose**

Ok, will not even put in the description they have for this movie. Why? Why do they smite us with Kevin Bacon dancing?

**June 1st:**

_No. of times have worried for sanity of school population: 32_

_No. of times have tried to tell people of the underlying message in chosen movie: 6_

_No. of times have been laughed at re: above: 6_

That's right. Out Of The Closet is the movie being shown in the Great Hall, followed by the ball. I really do hope this movie is a cross between a horror and my gay underlying meanings idea. Perhaps a gay man comes out of the closet, begging for nail varnish and terrifies the family?

Interesting...

You know, I often wish I had a gay man in my closet. I'd paint his nails, then he would get me steadily drunk.

Stage One: 21.30

"You're so lucky to have Severus, darling," he would say wistfully, "I can never find a nice man!"

Stage Two: 22.30

"Bastards! Hic!" he would say.

"Absolutely! Men hic are bastards! Will hic dump Severus tomorrow! More hic tequila!" I would answer.

Stage Three: 23.15

"I can't do it!" I would cry, tears streaming down my face. "I lobe Sheverush, I can't hic leave him!"

"You're right, hic, darling, you are sho sho right, hic! I wish I could find a man!" he would cry. We would hug each other and sob.

Stage Four: 00.00

"Right. Hic. We will find you a man, first thing tomorrow, we will hic find you a boyfriend... But first... I need to throw up," I would say, then rush to the bathroom. Gay man still crying, would nod and return to closet, to remove nail polish in preperation for tomorrow night.

Hurrah! We love the phantom gay man of my closet!


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Sorry about the delay in updating, but at the moment I am staying in my Granny's house and I can't use the pc much so it's hard to update! But here's another chapter anyway, then I'll have another by Wednesday!**

**June 4th**

No. of N.E.W.Ts completed without hindrance or incident: All of them 

_No. of horror movies that would have been much better had it been a drama about how hard it is to be honest of homosexuality: 1_

_No. of Dances attended WITH my boyfriend: 1_

Well. Successfully attended movie and dance. Was rather lovely as there was nothing to stop me having a good night. I rather worried when I told Harry and Ron I was going with Severus. They looked at me as though I was no longer Hermione, but actually had morphed into the homeless man that sleeps outside the Waterstones on Oxford Street. Then, they shrugged, looked at each other resignedly and:

"Well, that's your choice," said Harry.

"Yeah, as long as he treats you well," Ron agreed.

Well, this is quite embarrassing, but I started to cry. Really. I flung my arms around them and wailed like a newborn baby. Was so touched at their acceptance of my new boyfriend and it all came flooding out of me.

They patted me awkwardly on the back, so then I rushed up the stairs to my dorm and began to get ready.

The night was perfect. Ok, the movie was absolutely awful, but it was fun to whisper to Severus in the back row about said underlying homosexuality messages. He looked quite perplexed, and it was very very cute.

Anyway, oh yes, I saw that little lesbian girl from 3rd year waltzing with Professor Trelawny at the dance. Am pleased, as this means I will no longer be stalked by the lesbian brigade. Although, when Trelawny wasn't looking the 3rd year winked at me, and then when I was returning from the toilet's Trelawny brushed past me and I'm sure she whispered: "soon".

Oh dear.

11.05

Am deeply disturbed.

11.07

But still have lovely boyfriend and long summer to look forward to. The Hogwart's Express is picking us up at 12. Have packed and am fully prepared to go. Will double check trunk.

11.32

Oh fuck! Where is my Herbology book?

11.39

Was in Common Room.

11.42

Argh! Now my trunk is in state of disarray! Must pack entire contents neatly in next 18 minutes.

11.56

Fuck fuck fuck!

12.01

Ok, I made it, thank God, everything is alright, am on train, in carriage with Ron and Harry. First will go home with Mum and Dad, then, have made arrangements to go to Headquarters of the Order in one week.

14.27

God, this train takes forever. Will go for little nap.

19.26

Well, am back home, hurrah! Am no longer student but adult witch ready for action as can now use magic! Hurrah!

19.34

Am so bored. Have turned my table into a Horse and back seventeen times.

**June 7th**

_No. of letters received from Severus: 1_

_No. of letters have written to Severus: 1_

_No. of letters from Harry and Ron: 1_

_No. of letters written to Harry and Ron: 1_

Still not much happening. Have visited lots of family, which was quite nice. Was fun to impress them with magic. Will be in the Order in four days, which will be much better.

We do still have a Dark Lord to catch, you know. Was surprising that school year passed without incident for Harry, but I guess he has to defeat him soon. Is bloody inconvenient, I'll say that.

**June 9th**

Two days! In other news, seem to be attracting more and more lesbians, this time with incestuous roots. My cousin started hitting on me yesterday whilst I was visiting her family. Then, when saying goodbye she flung her arms around me and kissed me right on the lips, whilst squeezing my arse.

Gaaack! Am deeply deeply troubled by this new trend that is setting in. Must do something about it.

20.26

Question is, what exactly can I do?

20.31

Hmmm.


	11. Chapter 11

**June 14th**

_No. of Dark Lord's defeated: 1 (excellent)_

_No. of celebratory parties attended in past two days since said Dark Lord's defeation (sp?): 3_

_No. of alcoholic beverages drunk so far at present party: 7 (Is okay, am now of age, he he he...)_

Am at a bloody good party! Has been only four days since Harry disappeared and only two since Voldemort was defeated. To be honest I don't know exactly how he did it, he hasn't said a word to anybody, but he looks very... I don't know, like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. I remember how at the end of last year he didn't want to go back to Hogwart's if it was even re-opened, and then out of the blue, he changed his mind. He said he had to, but wouldn't say why.

And then, then, at Bill and Fleur's wedding, his reunion with Ginny. And then, his going back to school, like everything was normal. But it wasn't normal. Every day, there was news of attacks and murders and accidents from all over the country. It was a tough year, and I look back now and I was so stupid, all the time, my stupid little head just thinking thinking thinking about boys and other idiotic things. Not that it doesn't matter, about Severus and I, but...

Oh, I don't know.

Anyway, what matters is he's gone and now I have the rest of this party, the rest of this week, the rest of my life to look forward to!

Ugh, that's cheesy. I'm not nearly drunk enough to talk like that!

23.14

Oh dear. They just toasted Dumbledore and Severus looks really upset. I better go and make him feel better. Oh wait... Harry just...

I don't believe it! Harry just went up to Severus, said something that made Severus brighten up considerably and then they shook hands like old friends! I am shocked and astounded! Look at them! Enemies for seven years, and now they are chatting away.

Madness.

**June 19th**

_No. of holidays am going on in three days time: 1_

_No. of excitement units: 4,729!_

That's right! In three days time, I'm setting off for France with Severus! I must admit, I didn't think him a "summer-holiday" type person, but people amaze you, I guess. In fact he's amazed me quite a lot recently. He's come a long way from the greasy git he was to me in first year, the murderous bastard he was believed to be in the summer after 6th, to the person I think of every night before I go to sleep. Mostly because he is in the bed with me, but still.

And now... Now, I'm going to see him with a tan! On a beach! In a bathing suit! Dear God, what on Earth is happening?

16.27

Hopefully, there'll be no lesbians on the beaches in France. It would be disturbing to be seen in a bthing suit by them, as I have proved to be somewhat of a lesbian magnet.

19.52

Heaven help us! Things are moving so fast! Harry has proposed to Ginny! They've only been together over a year, and Ginny has another year of school, and there they are, engaged.

I wonder if I should warn Harry of Ginny's apparent juvenille alcoholism...

19.57

Hmmm.

**June 21st**

_No. of holidays am going on tomorrow: 1_

_No. of holidays am looking forward too: 0_

Oh dear.

Have fallen into an unfortunate pit of self loathing. I ahte self, I hate my life. I am ugly and fat and stupid and have nothing to live for.

Sure, I have Severus and my friends, and my family and I'm smart and... Hmm. Have relatively good life.

So why do I feel so worthless?

Hmm.

21.03

Just confided fears to Severus. He sat me down, cuddled me and stroked my hair. He said I was amazing and he was greatful to have me. Then he kissed me and suggested we go out for dinner. I love him, so much.

I really really do.

Though it is surprising how sweet and romantic he is becoming. Not bad, extremely lovely, just surprising.

He is divine!

21.14

Har har, I am drunk on love, because only then could I refer to him as divine.

21.20

I love life.

**June 24th**

_No. of units of love for France out of ten: 10_

_No. of times have seen Severus in swimsuit: 7_

_No. of times have removed said swimsuit: 4_

_No. of incidents: 1 (Ugh)_

Why, Lord? Why me? Why why why do I always have to attract the worst people? Lesbians, and now this?

Ugh.

Was on beach sunbathing with Severus. Was afternoon, nearing dinnertime, and Severus was dozing on his recliner. I went to the little beach hut to get drinks for us both, and was approached by this "man". He came over and offered to carry one of the drinks for me.

"Oh, no, thank you," I said and continued on. There was something not quite right about him. Then I realised. It was a woman dressed as a man. I spilled a little of my drink on myself when I realised this, then I smiled and continued walking.

"Please, ma'am, let me help you, hah?" he/she said. He/she pressed against me and took a drink. "You are very beautiful," he/she brethed in my ear. Then he/she stuck his/her tongue down my throat.

So I bit it.

Hard.

He screamed, I ran, it was all very messy. And horrible. I am so dysfunctional! What is wrong with me? Why do I keep attracting lesbians and transvestites? It is so unfair that when I finally get a boyfriend, that women find me irresistable. It would be better if men found me irresistable. Then I could keep Severus just a tad jealous, though always sure of my love. But women? That is just laughable.

I need a drink.

00.42

Har har, thisis a blurry good holiday, hahahaha. Love Sheverush, love Fransh, love drinksh, hehehehe...

**July 2nd**

_No. of holidays have returned from, tanned and happy: 1_

_No. of unexpected surprises awaiting us: 1_

So, have returned from my holiday. Was very very good, I loved it, and though he is very non-commital about it, so did Severus.

It might have smoething to do with the weather. Might have been the food and booze. But I think it may have been the fact that we shagged many many times. Typical men and their thirst for pleasure.

Not that I'm complaining.

Anyway, we arrived home to find a surprise waiting for us. Not only were Harry and Ginny engaged, but now Fred was set to marry Angelina Johnson. So a happy ending for all.

Because that's what I suppose this is. The end of an era. Many changes are taking place. Engagements, Dark Lord's defeated, the end of school, for me anyway, and a very big change in Severus too.

So, it's time to end this diary, and maybe buy a new one, to start again. I have Severus. I have my friends and family. I have that job that McGonnigal offered me to take her place as Transfiguration Professor, so she can throw herself fully into Headmistress-dom.

Hurrah! This calls for a party. I'll just ask Ginny advice on the best alcohol to serve...

**The End (Probably)**

18.26

Oh bloody hell! These surprises never cease! Fleur's pregnant!

**The End (Hopefully, and most likely)**

19.01

For crying out loud, can't one finish a diary in peace? But this, this puts the icing on the cake. I am so happy!

SEVERUS JUST ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!

I said yes of course. This could be amazing, or disasterous. I mean, he's bossy and snide and sarcastic and sometimes cruel. And I too am bossy, and a know it all and annoying and desperately persistent.

But you know what? I think we'll live happily ever after.

**A/N: Ok, there. That's it! I'm done. This chapter wasn't very funny, I think, but I had to satisfy the bit of me inside that was screaming for a fluffy, happy ending. I couldn't help it! So, tomorrow I am going on holidays for a week, but when I get back, I think I'm going to write Snape's diary! For fun! Anyway, thanks to all those people who reviewed me so nicely, you are all too kind, I love you all! And this is where I say goodbye! (For now!)**

**purple-dinosaur xxx**


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